How to Deal with Mean, Nasty Neighbors

Even if you find the most stunning home on the most tranquil street in the country, your dream home can turn into your worst nightmare if you get stuck next to the wrong neighbors.  Dealing with nasty neighbors can have even the most peace-loving folks looking for a way out, ready to trade their beautiful haven for a rat hole just to escape the never-ending torture.  If you have found yourself in a beef with your nasty neighbors, or would like to avoid problems with the imbeciles living next door, then this article is for you. 

The Usual Suspects

The following are the most common types of horrible neighbors to get stuck next to – sad excuses for skin that you should avoid at all costs. 

·         The Loud Crowd.  The Loud Crowd is composed of a few very loud adults, their unfortunate offspring (usually four or more kids running around half-clothed and looking for food in the dumpster), and a constant stream of loud, obnoxious guests or relatives that may or may not live with them.  Fighting spouses, screaming kids, tire squealing, horn honking, and early morning partying are the norm for these people, and they don’t care if you worked a double shift and just want a few hours of sleep before you have to get back to the jobsite. 

·         The Fertile Myrtle.  This lady and her brood of kids are related to the Loud Crowd, but they are not as obnoxious, they are just bountiful in number and lacking any form of discipline from their mother – the one that sits on the stoop and smokes cigarettes all day while texting on her cell phone.  She is totally oblivious to the havoc that her many children are wreaking on the neighborhood, and when told about it, she doesn’t care or becomes offensive.  Her kids are allowed to bully your kids, so tell Junior to submit to their will. Ladies, keep an eye on your man around Fertile Myrtle; she’s on the prowl and looking for hubby number four.

·         Masters of All They Survey.  One of the most irritating types of neighbors to live next to is the Masters of All They Survey.  These are the lower life forms that believe everything that they see magically belongs to them – including your property.  This means that they can have a tag sale and direct traffic to park on your grass, among other things. Their dogs are also high and mighty; they are free to roam the neighborhood, poop on your walkway, and pee on the tree seedling your just planted yesterday.  This type of neighbor knows no boundaries, not even those that are legally binding – like a boundary line. 

·         The Hoarder.  The Hoarder’s immense collection of old, used tires and old washing machines has spilled out of his home and three unsightly outbuildings and is now inching its way ever-so-slowly toward your home. 

·         The Eyesore.  The Eyesore is related to the Hoarder, but they are a much more vicious kind of animal altogether.  Not only is the Eyesore’s stuff laying everywhere, it’s also ugly.  The horrible thing about the Eyesore that sets him apart from other people is that he knows his stuff is ugly, and that it is making your stuff ugly – which is why he keeps adding to it.

·         The Rule Keeper.  The Rule Keeper is hard to live next to because they are staunch sticklers for following the rules – but only as they apply to you.  They know all the city ordinances and obey roughly three percent of them – but the minute you slip up, the Rule Keeper will have the EPA, DEA, FBI, and a thousand other agencies that you’ve never heard of knocking on your door.  Beware the Rule Keeper. 

·         The Psycho.  This neighbor or family has just escaped from the pages of a psychotic thriller.  People are always looking at them, but not in a good way.  The psycho is an extreme neighbor to live next to – they either keep company with drug dealers and drunks or they never say anything at all…which may be a good thing. 

These are just a few of the top-offending neighbors.  There are tons more; in fact, there is an unbelievable number of ways to irritate someone, and bad neighbors know them all.

How to Deal

Unless you are fed-up and ready to pack your things and move, you’ll have to learn to deal with nasty neighbors – at least until the housing market improves.  Before you resort to visiting a therapist, start by:

·         Let the neighbor know that you need to talk with them to discuss a problem.  Call ahead and find out what time is convenient. 

·         Install a fence – as high as building codes in your area allow.  Mark Twain said that ‘fences make good neighbors’ and he was right on the money.  Out of sight, out of mind – if not out of earshot. 

·         Don’t accuse the neighbor.  They may or may not know that the problem bothers you.  You need to suggest a civil way to solve the problem for both sides. 

·         Check with your county government offices to find out about local noise or other disturbance ordinances that they may be violating.  Roaming dogs can often be picked up by the animal control unit, while other disturbances may need to be addressed by other parties. 

·         Consult the homeowner’s association or neighborhood association.  They oftentimes can send a letter that cites that ordinance or by-law that is being ignored. 

·         If all else fails, call the police.  Keep a record of your complaints, and ask the police to record that they came out to assist you. 

·         As a last resort, you can file a complaint in court.  This will cost you a bit of cash, but may be sufficient to solve the problem.  Some folks will just not be civil and this may be your only hope, other than moving out. 

Avoiding Buying a Home Next to Bad Apples

If you don’t want to end up living next door to Michael Myers or the Green River Killer, the following tips will help you to spot the bad apples in any neighborhood:

·         Drive through the neighborhood during the night.  You’ll see what action goes down with the sun; sometimes it’s not pretty. 

·         Talk with local store owners.  They may be the first to tell you who’s suing who, who’s in rehab, and oh-so-much more. 

·         Walk through the neighborhood during the busiest time.  Talk with a few folks on the street, tell them the address of the home you may be buying and ask them if they know the neighbors.  Bad apples always get ratted on right away. 

·         Look for neighborhood or community animals that are not leashed. 

·         Scout out possible noise makers, like trampolines, skateboard ramps, and basketball hoops. 

·         Stop by the clerk’s office and look for neighbors who have filed for permits for things that might annoy you – like a new tennis court or swimming pool next door. 

·         Log onto a cyberspace map program that will show you the views of the neighborhood at street level; look for obvious no-no’s, like backyard landfills. 

·         Avoid buying next door to empty lots, country clubs, garbage routes, and halfway houses.

Dealing with nasty neighbors takes patience and tact; hopefully these tips will keep you out of prison and help you make a better choice when you buy your next home.